Friday, August 3, 2012

The ultimate female conundrum

Good Ryan Lochte

Bad Ryan Lochte

I'm in the middle of a personal conundrum, and one I know many other women are simultaneously suffering through: we are obsessed with the way Ryan Lochte looks, but can we ignore his antics, which reek of douchebaggery?

First, the good: Lochte is incredibly good looking, from top to bottom. He is the kind of good looking that even guys can't ignore - I challenge you to find a man who doesn't agree that he is ridiculously good looking. The face! The body! The dolphin kick! He is one of very few men in the world that all other men know they stand no chance against when it comes to getting ANY girl.
But then comes the bad: We've all seen his diamond-encrusted American flag grill (ugh), heard his interviews (double ugh), and seen his sparkly high-top sneakers with wings and/or his name on the soles (puke). His persona is vomit-inducing, including how he describes his personal style:

"All the stuff that I do, like, the crazy shoes I wear—like the grills I wear on the podium, the crazy shoes, all that crazy stuff—like, rock star."

He still lives in Gainesville, Fla., his college town, five years after graduating, and just last year admitted, at age 26, to be over dating college girls. Despite having numerous endorsements, he lives with two other guys in a condo, one of whom is still in college. He has his own expression that he shouts out, tweets out, and puts on his self-designed sneakers: "JEAH!" What does it even mean?! It's so lame you have to laugh.

In the past week, I've come to realize that Lochte represents everything women love and hate about men - he is literally the perfect physical male specimen, but he is every douche-y stereotype rolled into one (the clothes, the grill, the rap music, the one night stands, the catch phrases, living in his college town five years post graduation... I could go on and on). He is the ultimate frat boy who happens to be one of the best swimmers in the world.

That being said, all I can think of is that Lochte is a big, dumb animal. He reminds me of the "How I Met Your Mother" episode with Katy Perry. They call her "Honey" because she is so pretty but so ditzy and naive, that everything she says is followed by, "Oh, honey." Every time I hear Lochte talk, I just think "Oh, honey..." or, in the Southern way of saying it, "Bless his heart." He is so dumb it's almost endearing.

Everything in life evens out: Lochte is so ridiculously good looking and talented that there has to be a catch, and there is - he is a living, breathing Derek Zoolander. There aren't a lot of people who can have it all - looks, brains and talent - but two out of three ain't bad, Ryan.

The difference between Lochte and true d-bags is that he doesn't seem to be a jerk. Lame, yes, but not a jerk. On his Twitter feed, along with shout outs to Lil' Wayne, he constantly posts pics of him with his adorable nephew (and we can't blame Ryan for his name - Zaydin), and all women know that men who love babies can't be all bad. So ladies, I will leave you with this:

Uncle Ryan
Even one who seems to be a DB has a soft side, and this bodes well for his future. Will we see a different, more mature (and grill-less) Lochte in Rio? Here's hoping.


Dancer said...

Ignorance was my bliss; I did not know about all the sketchy, frat-boy behavior. Appalled to hear of the one-night stands....just SO dumb, imho. Humility and maturity are so much more appealing. Still rooting for him.

Megan said...

Bahaha..."living, breathing Derek Zoolander." Nice, Jen. :)

Anonymous said...

Good analysis Jen. Notice he is still playing a video game while his nephew sleeps. Looks staged. Val in Danvers.