Friday, February 27, 2009

Top Chef

The biggest event since the Super Bowl... so two of the show's biggest fans, myself and Mary, did a running diary. I will do my best to take out the explitives, but if you are like us and think Stefan was the best and Hosea sucked, then you know that will be difficult.

Without further adieu... Jen and Mary's Top Chef Finale running diary!

Mary: jen where are youuuuuu
10:03 PM top chef is on!

10:10 PM Contestants get their sous chefs - former finalists! Hosea picks first and takes Richard (runner-up Season 4), Stefan picks Season 2 runner-up Marcel, and Carla gets Season 3 runner-up Casey.
me: eeeeeeeeeeeek i love what stefan said about marcel "he's kind of a twat, but who isn't?"
Mary: see, stefan keeps it real and whats up with f'in hosea stealing all the high end food
me: and why is hosea taking all his food
Mary: f***er
me: like he would use foie gras and caviar come on that isnt fish and potatoes
Mary: hosea news flash: you cook in colorado make some damn bison and trout. embrace it

10:14 PM
Mary: and i hope that carla isnt a pushover w/ casey
me: yeah Casey like told her how to cook the meat? i dont know if its a good idea to cook beef a way you've never done in the last challenge1
Mary: i agree
me: i hate to say it, but hosea is right... it will either be awesome or fail miserably
Mary: ugh, hosea. i hate that he's paired with richard, who i like
me: yeah but i kinda forget richard he cooked good food, but it was kinda boring. last season was my least favorite

10:18 PM Eating king cake to find the golden baby for who will choose first between the "twist" items: crab, red fish and alligator.
me: i hope stefan gets ittttttttttt
Hosea finds the baby, takes red fish, gives Carla crab and Stefan the gator
Mary: DIE.
me: i hope Stefan kicks ass with gator
Mary: me too, and that hosea totally screws up whatever he has b/c he suuuuccks
me: Hosea sucks at fish even though hes supposedly a "fish specialist"

10:20 PM menus are announced
Mary: oh hosea is making deer
me: of course
Mary: so he IS embracing colorado
me: don't eff this up stefan
Mary: so stefan is making like, two things that have worked for him in the past, the cabbage and dessert lollipops

10:23 PM Casey tells Carla to make her beef sous vide, which Carla stupidly decides is a good idea, even though she has never used that technique before. She then convinces Carla to make a cheese souffle rather than a cheese tart.
Mary: casey shut the f' up omg...tart vs. souffle
Mary: i feel like a souffle is easier to f' up

10:28 PM first course goes out, an appetizer made with the "twist" items. Hosea's blackened redfish
Mary: ugh, i'm so nervous
Mary: your head must be a hell of a weight on your shoulders, hosea
me: what was that smoking thing on top? damn it! That is Richard, not Hosea!
Mary: no idea DAMN IT

10:30 PM Stefan's gator soup goes out
me: please be goooooooood
Mary: fingers crossed
me: yessssssssssssssssssssssss woo hoo! They love it!
me: i love how they have fabio cause he's so funny
Mary: he'll have his own show
me: i bet i heard his restaurant is awesome
Mary: where is it me: firenza or soemthing
Mary: cafe firenze
me: near la i guess

(all of the appetizers went over very well)

10:33 PM first courses go out: Stefan, halibut and salmon carpaccio; Hosea, trio of sashimi; Carla, seared snapper with saffron
me: oh no stefan... that didn't go over too well
Mary: how confusing who do you trust: regular top chef judge or real food person ???
me: ???
Mary: like, the judges are so critical, and then the real food person is always like "that was great"
me: well, the Top Chef judges are the ones who vote
Mary: sigh
(Carla's goes over best by far, the judges were so-so on the other two)

10:34 PM second course: Hosea, scallop and foie gras with pain perdu and some gross-looking foam; Stefan, squab with braised red cabbage; Carla, sous-vide NY strip steak with potatoes and merlot sauce
Me: I guess Hosea didn't get the memo that this is top chef, not top scallop
me: ew i hate when they make foam, I thought Marcel was with Stefan
Mary: i dont like foam on food
me: it looks and sounds so nasty
(the judges deem Carla's steak too tough, with sous vide taking much of the flavor out of meat)
Mary: OH NO
Mary: sous vide loses :(

10:35 PM The judges love Stefan's pigeon
me: yay stefan
Mary: STEFAN weeee! red cabbage wins again!

10:36 PM The judges also like Hosea's scallop, though they were divided on the foie gras
me: F**k
Mary: he made a stupid scallop
me: this is top chef, not top scallop!

10:37 PM
Mary: omg casey needs to die
me: yeah she effed up that meat
Mary: i guess carla lost it for herself by listening to casey

10:38 PM Final Course: Hosea, venison loin with wild mushrooms; Stefan, ice cream & chocolate mouse with vanilla syrup and lollipops; Carla, cheese souffle with apple coins and marmalade
me: im afraid Hosea's vension will be good

(Carla doesn't turn down the oven and her souffle doesn't rise... she makes the decision to go without it.)
me: oh shit you were right about the souffle
Mary: why would you make a souffle when you can easily make a tart that people LOVED before
me: right
Mary: that bitch i mean, you are a sous chef cut some vegetables
me: well carla shouldnt have listened to anyone else in the FINAL
Mary: um, that's a lot of dessert Stefan
me: it looks pretty?
me: i mean, why did Carla tell the judges about the souffle debacle?!?!?!?!?!
Mary: why would you TELL anyone that? GOD

10:39 PM
Mary: gail has to be pregnant
me: oh yes
Mary: look at those BOOBS
(Carla's lack of food kills her, Stefan's dessert goes over so-so, and Hosea's venison goes over well)
me: oh shoot
Mary: "hosea can NOT win" - rachel
Mary: fabio just threw stefan under the bus! omg fabio shut your mouth F**KITY NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
me: douche! arghhhhhh F**K YOU

10:40 PM
me: this will be close im worried... carla is out
Mary: right
me: her meat and last course were bad
Mary: slap her
me: casey f**ked up carla like did for herself in the final
Mary: omg
me: i cant believe she listened to that loser
Mary: i'm gonna vomit

10:41 PM
Mary: hosea you have never kicked ass!
me: he didnt win any challenges did he?
Mary: I don't think any individual ones
me: ugh
Mary: maybe a team one
me: i think they should go with the best of the whole season
Mary: siggggh
me: im scared
Mary: so its really between hosea and stefan now... terrified!!!!
me: for sure

10:43 PM JUDGING - The judges immediately take Carla out of the running for her sous vide beef and lack of third course... it is between Hosea, who didn't have a bad dish, and Stefan, who had two very good, and 2 not so good, but it is agreed that his squab was the best course of any
Mary: stefan NEEDs to win or Top Chef is a farce
10:46 PM
me: casey sucks.
me: Carla is throwing casey under the bus, and therefore throwing herself under
Mary: um, Hosea, are suposed to be a SEAFOOD guy... he's made no seafood, ever, no eel no redfish
10:48 PM
Mary: yes Hosea, because when you've been eating three courses, you love to end with a heavy meat dish
me: yeah the heaviest... f**k
Mary: "i really enjoyed stefan's squab"
Mary: that sounds dirty
me: it does
me: its going to be hosea :(
Mary: Hosea said he "deserves it" bah baaaaaah
10:50 PM Carla knows she is out when she talks to the judges
Mary: oh carla
me: she made stefan cry
Mary: hosea has no heart
me: oh i love stefan
Mary: he plays the asshole, but he's always helpful
me: yes i hate everything scar says
10:51 PM
Mary: me too: "it was pedestrian at best" such a f**kin' snob
me: "pedestrian at best"
Mary: i hate her now
me: go back to your 67 year old men
Mary: hahaha BURN yeah, if stefan was 80 and rich, she'd be all over him
me: ahahahaha
10:53 PM
Mary: shit shit shit
Mary: oh my f**king god
Mary: rachel: "gail - die."
Mary: "hosea has no soul" - Toby
me: thank you toby
Mary: SHUT THE HELL UP HOSEA you are such prick
me: its going to be hosea :(
Mary: F**KITY F**K F**K
10:54 PM
me: why did stefan totally choke the last 3 weeks?!
Mary: ugggh
10:56 PM
Mary: um, people who text from home are retarded. Carla should win by 65%?
me: right?!

10:58 PM "Congratulations.... Hosea. You are Top Chef"
me: f**k f**k f**k :(
Mary: :(
Mary: F**K
me: what a crock of shit
Mary: this show sucks
me: i mean, stefan choked
me: but its bullshit that they only go off the final meal
10:59 PM
Mary: that's the stupid thing they had high expectations for stefan and lower for hosea
me: yes that was a disappointing finale
Mary: that sucked balls oh we love you carla
me: i'm so pissed he was mediocre through the whole season
Mary: SHUT THE F**K UP hosea stop it SHUT UP
me: i'm mad at fabio
Mary: me too
11:00 PM
me: stick up for your brother douche and padma she is a douche too
Mary: omg terrible i cannot believe it
Mary: stupid hosea
me: buttshit
me: *bull... the best chef did NOT win
Mary: buttshit too, why the hell not?
Mary: NO, the best chef DIDN'T win
me: the worst of the 3 did. Carla is a better chef that Hosea too
Mary: agreed
11:01 PM
me: casey should be embarassed
Mary: yeah, she pretty much lost two seasons
me: yup
11:02 PM
me: well i'm pissed
Mary: this show holds no credibility for me anymore
11:03 PM
Mary: read the first paragraph

11:09 PM
me: "Hosea cooks with being boring"
me: i hope his restaurant fails. i'm so mean
Mary: eh, i agree, and i dont feel too bad about it

11:11 PM
Mary: its stupid and sad that hosea still talked about stefan after he won
Mary: sighh now im going to have top chef nightmares oh well its just hours of my life wasted to watch a crap chef win. no big deal, not at all.
11:13 PM
me: no well i guess ill hit the hay now then :(
Mary: lets have a moment of silence for stefan ..... its been real
me: thank you stefan, i love your pompous attitude least you could back it up
Mary: okay goodnight i am eager for the reunion episode11:18 PM me: yes we will discuss next week

So there you have it. The crap chef won, probably because Richard did all of the work for him as his sous chef, Casey screwed over Carla as HER sous chef, since the two dishes that failed were her idea, and Stefan choked a bit at the end... we all know he makes the best food, but his dessert wasn't great, and the carpaccio was dull.