Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Olympic Heroes and Villains

Okay, so the Olympics are coming to a close. Every Olympics we fall in love with some athletes, and hate others. Here's a list of my favorite athletes, and the athletes I now loathe.


Shawn Johnson -- This chick is the cutest thing I've ever seen. You look at her and you can't help but smile, she's so gosh-darn cute. She's all apple cheeks, a little bit of buck teeth, she's 4'9" and she's awesome. These best part is, she is totally kick-ass... she seems like the kind of girl who you would go to the fair with and she'd want to ride the zipper and all of the crazy rides you'd have to pay me to get on, and then she's want to go bungee jumping, and she'd try to convince me to go, but couldn't, then she'd bounce up to the bungee platform, jump down, and bounce back to you after like it was nothing. I <3 her.

Jason Lezak -- The best relay swimmer in American history often goes unnoticed... til you swim a 46.06 final 100 in the 4x100 free to steal the gold medal from the French... reasons Lezak is our hero:
1. He kept Michael Phelps' quest for 8 gold medals alive; we all know that is what would have been the real tragedy if the US had lost the gold medal. But, this dude totally put his team on his back, swam them out of a hole, and because of HIM they won the gold and set the world record in probably the best swimming race ever.
2. He beat the French guy. Okay, so we all know the French are pretty much all a-holes (yes, I'm incredibly PC today), but this Alain Bernard guy kind of takes it to another level. He talked a ton of smack about how the French were going to "smash" the Americans, making himself an instant villain, plus he has a wicked hot body, but his pin head looks like it is photoshopped onto it. They totally don't go together, it's super freaky.
3. In his 3rd Olympics, he finally won an individual medal - a bronze medal in the 100-meter free. Previously, Lezak had 5 relay medals, including 3 gold, but no medals on his own. We all wanted Phelps to win the race (come on, you know you did), but I think we were all cheering just as hard for Lezak to take home the silver or bronze... and I don't think I've ever seen anyone so happy to come in 3rd.
4. At 32, he is the oldest man to ever qualify for an Olympic swim team. Sure, at 41 Dara Torres makes him look like a toddler, but it's still pretty awesome.

speaking of...
Dara Torres -- at 41, just making the Olympics was an amazing feat... but Torres won individual silver in the 50 free, then just SEVEN MINUTES after standing on the podium, anchored the US women to a silver in the 4x100 free. This lady is kick-ass. (please don't let her be on drugs, please don't let her be on drugs, please don't let her be on drugs...)

Jonathan Horton -- Kid was the best US men's gymnast bar-none, and had the best competition of his life at the Olympics. He took the team on his back and stuck 6-of-6 routines in the team competition to give the Americans a suprise bronze. Then, on the last day of competition, he threw two new elements into his high bar routine because he didn't just want to make a good showing in the event finals, he wanted to compete for a medal. It paid off, and he won the silver.


Usain Bolt -- Okay, so if you haven't yet seen the 200 meter final, DO NOT READ THE REST OF THIS PARAGRAPH. That's my disclaimer.
Now: why Usain Bolt is evil.
1. He is 21 years old. If he is legit this good at 21, he makes me sick.
2. He won the gold and broke the WR in the 100 meter dash, and he slowed down at the end to celebrate. I don't care that he celebrated, if I was the world's fastest man I'd be doing backflips down the track and telling everyone else in the world to suck it, but come on man... finish the race.
3. He broke Michael Johnson's World Record in the 200 meters. That is literal track blasphemy.

Milo Cavic -- I have a few reasons to dislike Mr. Cavic.
1. He was born in America, yet swims for Serbia. I mean his parents are from there and all, but he grew up here, went to college here, then he swims a medal for Serbia? What, you didn't think you were good enough to make the American team or something?
But that's not the worst part...
2. Cavic decided that he spoke for the world when he said that it would be good for swimming in Phelps lost a race. Ummm Milo, good for swimming or good for you? Yeah, that's what I thought. I love when athletes no one has ever heard of open their mouths to bash the stars, so that their names are in the papers too. Whatever dude. He put up a great showing in the 100M fly, barely losing to Phelps, but then he started complaining like a bitch that he had actually won, and the results were wrong, blah blah. Get over it dude, you lost. It wasn't better for anyone except YOU if Phelps lost. Oh, and now you're the a-hole who talking smack about America's hero. WAY TO GO JERK

CHINA -- Yeah, they put on a good Opening Ceremonies, and the water cube and bird's nest are fricken awesome... but this country needs a serious reality check.
1. Smog -- seriously, that shit is nasty. "But it isn't like that every day." That's something to be proud of? Once every three days you can see more than 100 yards in front of you? It's disgusting. The best male marathoner in the world, Haile Gebrselassie, won't even run it there because he's afraid of what it will do to his lungs. Um, don't you think that's a problem China? Seriously, over a billion people and you can't figure out how to clean?
2. Communism - seriously? So the US won't trade with Cuba, and we can't go to Cuba, but we're free to go to China, and most of our crap is made there... double standard much? US Speedskater Joey Cheek, the founder of Team Darfur, had his visa "mysteriously" revoked just hours before he was supposed to go to Beijing to try to urge China, an economic partner of Sudan, to help make peace in Sudan's war-torn Darfur region. How is this possible in 2008?
3. No freedom of speech -- International journalists aren't allowed onto any websites that mention the massacre at Tiananmen Square, or anything that puts the Chinese government in a bad light. Nothing to do with the Dalai Lama is allowed. The Chinese promised before they were awarded the games that they would give 100% freedom to the press. LIARS.
4. Chinese athletes -- now, before you read this and think I'm racist or something, please let me explain: I feel SO sorry for Chinese athletes. Especially gymnasts. The kids are taken from their families when they're like 4 years old, and basically are turned into strong, flipping robots. Their families are given a home and the knowledge that their child is doing good for China. Then the kids see their families maybe once a year. They train like 8 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You never see beaming Chinese parents in the stands, because they don't even know their own children. It's basically child abuse and it makes me sick.
...There are probably 100 other reasons China is a villian in these Olympics, and I don't even mean how He Kexin stole the uneven bars gold medal from Nastia Liukin.

That's all I can think of now... definitely let me know who you think I missed and why!

1 comment:

Mary said...

I think Ryan Lochte should be a hero based on his insane hotness. But I see you're saving him for another post, which will be dedicated ONLY to him and consist mostly of pictures. I'll wait.