The bizarre events of the Winter Olympics

Hockey, figure skating, alpine skiing and even bobsled are exciting events people identify with the Winter Olympics. The Winter Olympics has some great events but it also has its share of weird sports, boring sports  and, in some cases, events that don't even classify as a sport. Some of these events make us groan, some make us giggle... but they all make us change the channel.

Curling - *forehead slap* I’m sorry, but… no. Any event that uses a cleaning apparatus as a part of competition isn't a real sport and doesn't deserve to be in the Olympics.

Skeleton – An event for the daredevil with a death wish. In this competition, participants hurtle down an icy track at 80+ miles an hour HEAD FIRST. Can also referred to as "opposite luge."

Doubles Luge – Don’t even get me started. This is luge, but one guy lies on top of the other – no need to contain your giggle.  I think we have found something that overtakes men’s synchronized diving as the most homoerotic sport in the Olympics!

*giggle*

Team Figure Skating – This event makes me mad. Like most living, breathing women, I love Olympic figure skating. But team figure skating? To me, it’s just a pathetic (and transparent) attempt to boost TV ratings by adding four more days of figure skating to the lineup. A event should not be in the Olympics when that is the only time it occurs during four years. Many of these other sports are strange, but at least the athletes train specifically for them, and have events throughout the year. It actually offends me that people will win an Olympic medal in team figure skating.

Biathlon – Look, I know cross country skiing it is extremely difficult. That said, when adding a gun to your event can’t even make it interesting, you’re doing something wrong.

Ski Jumping – Impressive? Yes. But I’m still not convinced that anyone with the guts to try the sport (which isn’t most people) can’t be good at it. Like, what qualities make a great ski jumper? I think the following: 1. Have the guts to try it. 2. Have the time and money to do it over and over. 3. Have no excess weight to bring you down (literally). 4. Have strong legs to land on.

Nordic Combined – I had to look this one up – not a good sign. The Nordic combined is a winter sport in which athletes compete in both cross-country skiing and ski jumping. So, basically, you can cross country ski and ski jump, but not good enough to do either on its own, so you practice both and become passable at each – Nordic Combined!

Moguls – Real conversation at a party Saturday: “Wait, this is part of an event, right? It can’t be someone’s goal to be just a moguls skier, can it?” Yes, yes it can. Plus, don’t your knees and back hurt just watching it?

Long Track Speed Skating –Short track makes me dizzy, but at least there’s some contact so I can kinda get into it (still not really). But long track is painfully dull to watch, and unless you’re from The Netherlands you probably don’t care about it.

Honorable Mention: Snowboarding. I’m sorry, but I can’t take a sport seriously when it’s announcers (and athletes) sound like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It’s about “gnarly tricks” and the definitely-not-high athletes who are “so stoked” to be at the Olympics. Plus, it’s a subjective sport, which is annoying; like fellow judged sports figure skating and gymnastics, I DO enjoy watching but prefer sports where the winner can’t be argued. That said, some of the best looking athletes - and undeniably the most fun - are snowboarders.

All of this said, I appreciate the commitment and dedication that the above events have to their discipline. But that doesn't mean I don't groan when it comes on during NBC's Olympic coverage - or giggle, in the case of luge doubles.

"Sports" that should not be in the Olympics

So last night I had a conversation with my friend Mary about ridiculous "sports" that are in the Olympics. Let's run with it...

"Sports that should NOT be in the Olympics, (and even calling them sports in the first place is a stretch)"

Summer Olympics:

Handball - I've said this before, but I really didn't know it was a legitimate "sport." I thought it was like that game suicide you played in elementary school, where you threw the ball against the wall, and if you caught it you threw it back against the wall as hard as you could, but if you touched the ball and didn't catch it you had to run up to the wall before the next person threw the ball against the wall. If you didnt beat the throw, you had to stand against the wall, and the thrower got to whip the ball at you, and you always hoped it was a girl or a weak boy throwing so it didn't hurt too much. Oh my God, can you imagine that game being played at schools these days?! Kids would get in trouble for assault or something. Geez, so much has changed in 15 years. Anyway, if they have handball in the Olmypics they might as well have school-yard "suicide". It's like soccer, but the opposite - you can't use your feet. No one even knows this sport exists outside of the Olympics, and even then, it's not even on TV.

Badmitton - I already went over this one... it is something we WASPS used to play after church while we were waiting for grandma to cook Sunday dinner. It is as much a sport as croquet, which is NOT in the Olympics (yet... just give them time. Hey, maybe they'll take away basketball to make room for it!) Oh, and the thing they hit is called a shuttlecock - how are we supposed to take this seriously??

Synchronized swimming - Okay, any "sport" where you wear a costume shouldn't be in the Olmypics. Is it hard? Hell yes. Should it be in the Olmypics? Hell NO. They wear makeup in the pool... give me a break.

Synchronized diving - OK... so, they just added this sport in the last Olympics. It makes me mad cause, its just the same as diving, but they put two people from the same country next to each other on the platform, then they do the same dive at the same time. It's always the people who are already competing in the individual event, and they just want another event to give medals in. Seriously, they are taking away baseball and softball, but added synchronized diving and trampoline. I'm going to gorge out my eyeballs.

Trampoline - The newest of the Olympic "sports." It is really cool to watch, but...
me: thats something you do in the backyard for fun when youre 12
Mary: those people can't hack real gymnastics OR skiing
me: i mean, anyone can flip on a trampoline, honestly
Mary: don't they have music
i think they have music
me: then at the end when they "land"
its wicked funny
me: "he stuck the landing!"
or
"oooh a small bounce after landing. they're going to deduct a tenth for that"
Mary: i think they do some crazy flips
Mary: but its still pretty retarded
Me: yeah they do crazy stuff. but its stupid.

Rhythmic Gymnastics - Okay, like synchronized swimming, any sport that you wear a "costume" shouldn't be in the Olympics. Along the same lines, any "sport" where props are used? NOT A SPORT.

Racewalking - Any event that makes you look like a dork shouldn't be in the Olympics. When your kids are older they can tell their friends their Daddy won an Olympic gold medal. When they ask for what sport and they have to say "racewalking," just see the look on their friend's faces (pity, trying not to laugh.

Dressage (part of equestrian) - OK, so it's part of a three-part event, but it's basically a pageant for horses. They see how well they trot, walk, run, etc. And the horses aren't even the rider's own, they pick them at the beginning of the competition. Like a costume, any sport where the person has to wear a top hat and a coat with tails should not garner an Olympic medal.

Modern pentathlon - For most of you who don't know, this event consistns of fencing, running, swimming, shooting (rifle) and riding (a horse)... so basically you are an adequate fencer, runner, swimmer, shooter and horseback rider
but you're not good enough to be the best at any of these so... you just do them all.

Canoe/kayak - Fun activities. Not sports.

Sailing - This one I did wrestle with, cause sailing is cool, and really difficult. I just don't think it should be in the Olympics if something like golf isn't. Only rich white people do it, and no one cares to watch cause, well, its out in the ocean so you can't even see it.

Table Tennis - This one KILLS me. First of all, it's ping pong. Second, its sooo lame. I mean, the Chinese go crazy for it, but they also go crazy for badmitton, soooo... Anyway, a sport that Forrest Gump (even in a movie) can be World Champion in clearly isn't a sport. Ahhhhh it's a game you play in your basement after hitting the bong, not something for Olympians! I need to move on, I'm getting angry.


Winter Olympics:

Ice Dancing - Mary: "What the hell?! you can't even do the coolest figure skating moves! okay, you're athletes, but you can't do jumps or throws
awesome. sounds like fun."
So yeah, let's do the tango on the ice, and call it a sport. Then why not friggen ballroom dancing? Oh no, I probably just gave the IOC an idea...

Aerial skiing - Aerial skiing is a a huge jump basically, they do twists and turns, then land and get a score
Mary: "Its for people who couldn't do real gymnastics (too tall, probably)but can ski."

Ski jumping - I mean, it takes guts, that's for sure... but it isn't a sport, its something Evel Knievel would do!

Biathlon - So, you aren't THAT great at xc skiing, or shooting... but you're pretty good at both - maybe you can win an Olympic medal!

last but not least...

Curling - The least athletic "sport" in the world. If there is any sport that makes you look like a dork, this is it.


I will let Mary have the final word:

Mary: "Synchronized swimmers, rhythmic gymasts, and trampoliners are just a waste of Olympic medals that could just be given to Michael Phelps."